


Please Leave a Message After the Tone

by Sharpiefan



Category: Star Wars Legends: X-wing Series - Aaron Allston & Michael Stackpole, Star Wars: X-wing Series - Aaron Allston & Michael Stackpole
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-12
Updated: 2013-10-13
Packaged: 2017-12-29 05:12:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1001296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharpiefan/pseuds/Sharpiefan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The voicemail inboxes of the Fab Four. Just a bit of fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tycho Celchu's inbox between the Krytos Trap and the Bacta War

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [Hi, This Is Luke, Leave A Message](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3955976/1/Hi-This-Is-Luke-Leave-A-Message) by Lucilla. Apart from Tycho's which is set between the end of _The Krytos Trap_ and the beginning of _The Bacta War_ , these are all set during the Wraith Squadron books (though mostly a kind of AU of the first one). Yes, I know that the Rogues and Wraiths didn't serve together before Solo Command, when they were aboard _Mon Remonda_ , but it was way too tempting to have them all running around Folor Base causing mayhem. I've not done anything quite like this before, I hope it works...

**Tycho Celchu's voicemail box between the Krytos Trap and the Bacta War**

_You have reached Tycho Celchu. I'm a little busy dealing with Rogue Squadron business but if you leave a message after the tone I'll get back to you as soon as I can._

BEEEP

Tycho! It's Winter. D'you want to go out sometime – I mean, after being cooped up because General Cracken's seeing spies everywhere really can't be good for you and, well... I've missed you?

BEEEP

Captain Celchu, Princess Leia here. I knew you weren't a traitor and I'll have General Cracken posted to the other side of the Republic from you, permanently, if you want? Can't believe he could possibly suspect an Alderaanian of whatever it was he thinks you did – the man's got no sense.

BEEEP

Captain Celchu, this is the Coruscant Bank. We are in the process of exchanging all our transactions from Imperial credits to Republic credits, and would like to know whether you would prefer to keep your current balance of 20 million credits in Imperial currency or make the move to Republic credits?

BEEEP

Hi Tycho! Couldn't believe the news – Hobbie and I nearly skipped class to come gunning for Cracken. What an idiot. 

BEEEP

Tycho, it's Corran. I'm really sorry I said what I said about you – don't suppose we could start over? 

BEEP

Tycho – Wedge here. I've got some ideas about dealing with Iceheart. What do you say to a late-night planning session, your place? I'll bring Whyren's.

BEEEP

Captain Celchu, this is Mon Mothma. Sorry about the speechifying and all but there wasn't going to be a better way to let the whole New Republic know of your innocence. Besides, you're very holographic.

BEEEP

Tycho, it's Winter. If Mon Mothma calls, remind her you're taken.

BEEEP

Um, Tycho? Nawara here. Sorry I didn't do quite as good a job as we both wanted. But Corran did a pretty good job of swinging the scales, didn't he? Oh, yes – Wedge says I'm taking your place as XO. Hope you don't mind too much – but at least you'll be able to fly with the Rogues properly now.

BEEEP

Captain Celchu, this is the Alderaanian Survivors Fund. We are holding a charity banquet and ball next month and would like you to be our guest of honour. Please RSVP as soon as you can.


	2. Wedge Antilles' inbox sometime during Wraith Squadron/Iron Fist

**Wedge's voicemail, sometime during the Wraith Squadron novels**

_This is Wedge Antilles. I'm sorry I can't take your call right now – saving the galaxy and all – but if you leave a message after the beep, I'll get back to you_

BEEEP

Shavit, Wedge, I hate these things. Where are you? I'm bored and Hobbie's not talking to me. It's Wes, by the way.

BEEEP

Wedge, it's Tycho. I hope you're having fun, wherever you are. You could at least have reduced this pile of datawork by half before dumping it all on me.

BEEEP

Wedge. Me again. Still hate these things. Hobbie's got Kettch and won't give him back. Make him give him back?

BEEEP

Commander Antilles, this is General Crespin. Please could you attempt to instil a little dignity, not to mention maturity, into your pilots. Preferably in the very near future.

BEEEP

Wedge, it's Hobbie. Wes keeps pestering me about Lieutenant Kettch. Haven't ever met Lieutenant Kettch, nor do I know what he's on about. Please come back soon?

BEEEP

It's Tycho. I really think you might want to get back soon – or there won't be much of a base to get back to.

BEEEP

Wedge, I really want Hobbie to give Kettch back but he won't. Spoilsport. Could you do something about it? Please? Pretty please?

BEEEP

Wedge, it's Hobbie again. If someone doesn't tell Wes to give me five minutes' peace, I won't be held responsible for the consequences. And I really don't know what he's on about.

BEEEP

Me again, Wedge. I don't care what Hobbie and Tycho say: It wasn't my fault. Also, Hobbie says you've got Lieutenant Kettch. Can I have him back, please?

BEEEP

Sir, it's Face. I know you needed to get away, but you could've taken Lieutenant Janson with you. Half the Wraiths are refusing to leave their rooms and the other half are walking around with sidearms and nervous expressions. And it's not just because General Crespin's on the warpath, either.

BEEEP

Um, Wedge? It's Corran. I think you might want to hurry back – Lieutenant Janson's wandering around looking as though he's lost this week's winning ticket for the Coruscant Lottery, Tycho's leaving a trail of dropped flimsy everywhere he goes and Hobbie's starting to look somewhat... murderous. And there are some very peculiar sounds coming from the hangar.

BEEEP

Commander Antilles? It's Kell Tainer. I swear it wasn't my fault. Someone broke into my locker and pinched a couple of my bombs. 

BEEEP

Tainer again, sir. Forgot to say, they were the small bombs. Please don't kill me?

BEEEP

Wedge. Tycho again. You will be pleased to learn that the fire suppression system in the Rogues' hangar bay is in perfect working order. And you can hardly see the char marks in the decking now. 

BEEEP

Antilles. Crespin here. I am cancelling all leave for all of your subordinates until Tatooine ices over and Hoth's opened up as a tourist resort. 

BEEEP

Hi Wedge! Shame you missed it – it was my best one ever! I think that maybe I should try it on Pash Cracken's A-wing unit next though... I did clean up though, and you can park an X-wing over the scorch mark. Though you can hardly see it unless you squint. And the stains on the X-wings have nearly come out.

BEEEP

Wedge, it's Hobbie. If Janson says he cleaned up, don't believe him. He bunked off looking for Kettch and left the rest of us to clean up behind him. Tycho said he'd've let Wes have your datawork if he'd known what he was going to do – reckons it's the best method of keeping him out of trouble. Though I think he'd just hit the 'delete' button until there's nothing left on the datacard.


	3. Hobbie's inbox sometime during Wraith Squadron/Iron Fist

**Derek 'Hobbie' Klivian's voicemail inbox**

_Hi – you've reached Hobbie Klivian. Yes, that's Klivian – K L I V I A N. Can't talk right now, babysitting Janson. Leave a message and I'll return your call as soon as I can._

BEEEP

Hey – Hobbie? I resent that you think I need babysitting. Anyway, have you seen Lieutenant Kettch anywhere? Can't find him, need him to prank Wedge.

BEEEP

Lieutenant Klivian, this is the Zaltin Bacta Corporation. We understand that you have become a regular customer and we have a small proposal to make to you about endorsing our product.

BEEEP

Hobbie, Wedge here. Please try to keep Janson out of my office after hours.

BEEEP

Hobbie, it's Tycho. I don't know what you've done with Janson but he's been pinching office supplies again. Please retrieve and return them?

BEEEP

Hobbie, it's Wes.

BEEEP

Hobbie.

BEEEP

Hobbie.

BEEEP

Hobbie, I want Kettch back. Pleeeeeeeeease?!

BEEEP

Hobbie.

BEEEP

Hobbie.

BEEEP

Hobbie, pick up your comlink, do.

BEEEP

Hobbie.

BEEEP

Hobbie. Pick up, already!  
  
BEEEP  
  
Hobbie.  
  
BEEEP  
  
Hobbie, Wedge here. Tell Janson I've got Lieutenant Kettch and he can have him back when I'm back on base.  
  
BEEEP  
  
Hobbie.

BEEEP

Hobbie.

BEEEP

Hobbie... do you know the combination to Tainer's locker? He's got something I want.

BEEEP

Um. Lieutenant Klivian? I don't think you know me – I'm Lieutenant Kell Tainer, of Wraith Squadron. I think your friend's been in my locker and taken something rather, um, volatile out of it.

BEEEP

Hobbie... If you pick this up in the next half an hour, get down to the Rogues' hangar. I've got a great prank and need your help?

BEEEP

Lieutenant Derek Klivian, this is Captain Celchu. Get your best friend down to the hangar bay and clean up the mess before Wedge gets back!!


	4. Tycho Celchu's inbox during Wraith Squadron/Iron Fist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This was inserted later. Yes, Tycho has a chapter already, but he really needed to be allowed to take part in the debacle on Folor Base...)

**Tycho Celchu's inbox**

_Hello. This is Captain Celchu. I am sorry I can't take your call right now, but please leave a message and I will call back as soon as I can._

BEEEP

Tycho, it's Wedge. Sorry about the datawork I've left on your desk but it was starting to drive me a little nuts. If there's anything from Janson, it can probably be deleted or otherwise safely ignored.

BEEEP

Tycho. Got any ideas where I can get my hands on a really big box of confetti? And the combination to Wedge's office door?

BEEEP

It's Hobbie. I think Wes is bored – you might want to keep an eye on him. A very _close_ eye if you know what I mean...

BEEEP

Tych... Don't suppose you've got any idea where Lieutenant Kettch is, do you? I want to prank Wedge with him. Though I suppose I can find some other way to prank him... Hey. That's an idea...! I'll call back. And I figured out that combination I was after, too.

BEEEP

Hobbie here. If Wes calls asking you to make me give Lieutenant Kettch back, I haven't a clue what he's on about.

BEEEP

Tycho, me old pal, me old mate! You could at least sign off on _one_ of those forms for me! It's Wes, in case you hadn't figured that out. Yub yub.

BEEEP

Tycho, it's Gavin. Um... I know that Lieutenant Janson's the Wraith's XO, but does that mean he's allowed to have access to the Rogues' hangar?

BEEEP

Tycho – me again! I'm not hurting anything – there's just more space in your hangar. And if you've only seen 38 requests for paint, you've got way more to find. You only need to sign one of them though. Please?

BEEEP

Captain Celchu. General Crespin here. Is it usual Rogue Squadron policy to allow non-Rogue personnel access to your hangar? Because unless I am much mistaken, Lieutenant Janson is currently assigned to Wraith Squadron as its Executive Officer.

BEEEP

Captain Celchu, Lieutenant Horn here. I hate to bother you, but there are some pretty weird sounds coming from the Rogues' hangar. You might want to check it out – if it's not too late.

BEEEP

Tycho. It's Wedge. _Please_ tell me that things haven't just gone five sorts of insane there, simply because I'm away for a week?

BEEEP

Captain Celchu, this is Brentaal IV Holovid Rentals. The copy of _Captain Comet and the Space Marines_ you rented is two years overdue. Could we have it back please? Preferably before the sun goes nova.

BEEEP

Tycho, it's Hobbie. Please stop Wes from calling every five minutes? I am about to resort to turning my comlink off and burying it under my pillow – and burying myself somewhere in the innards of my X-wing. Or something.

BEEEP

Found some paint elsewhere, Tycho – but not as much as I'd like. Any chance of you signing off on one of those requisition forms yet?

BEEEP

Tycho – it's Corran. I just heard an explosion from our hangar. The fire suppression kicked in almost right away, but there's a horrible scorch-mark right in the middle of the deck. And you don't want to know what Wedge's X-wing looks like....

BEEEP

Tycho! It's not my fault – how was I to know that those bombs were so sensitive? Any idea where I can get my hands on some paint-stripper? Quite a lot of it? And quickly?

BEEEP

Tycho, it's Wedge. I am on the next shuttle back - do NOT let Janson touch anything else... Don't even let him move if possible!! Hell, don't let him _breathe_!!


	5. Wes Janson's inbox sometime during Wraith Squadron/Iron Fist

**Wes Janson's voicemail inbox**

_Hi – you've reached Lieutenant Kettch. Sorry I'm not here but I'm out saving the galaxy with the Wraiths. Please leave your name, number and vital statistics after the beep and I'll make sure my human friend calls you back. Yub yub!_

BEEEP

Sithspit, Wes. Do you really think some girl's going to leave her number after a message like that? It's Hobbie, by the way. You can stop bugging me now.

BEEEP

Wes, it's Wedge. Just a reminder – simply because I'm going to be away for a bit doesn't mean that you get to prank the Wraiths. They will get you back, remember?

BEEEP

Wes. It's Tycho. Whatever you've done to Wedge's office, you'd best put it right before he comes back.

BEEEP

Um, Lieutenant? It's Myn Donos. I've got a question to ask... though maybe I'll ask Tainer instead. By the way, what's this about wanting a bumper pack of confetti?

BEEEP

Wes. Tycho again. I don't think Wedge is going to be happy for me to sign off on a requisition for industrial-strength luminous paint – and definitely not in the quantities you want. That's a 'no'. 

BEEEP

Um, Wes... Who's this Lieutenant Kettch you're on about? Because I haven't seen him, her or it, so quit asking already.

BEEEP

Tycho here again. Wes, just because you've put in, at last count, 38 requests does not mean I'm going to sign any of them. The answer is still no.

BEEEP

Wes, if by 'Lieutenant Kettch' you mean that stupid stuffed Ewok toy, Wedge has it. Go and bug him about it and quit whining at me already.

BEEEP

Lieutenant Janson, this is General Crespin. Please inform the Wraiths that the cafeteria is not a suitable place to play laser tag.

BEEP

Lieutenant Janson, this is Commenor Holovid Rentals. Our records show that you were the last person to check out _Wicket the Ewok Learns to Fly_ and that it is six months overdue. Please can we have it back before the end of the decade? Thanks.

BEEEP

Wes, it's Tycho. Again. Just how many of these requisitions did you file? Because I'm going to refuse them all.

BEEEP  
Lieutenant Janson! Face here. I may or may not have let it slip to General Crespin that the laser tag thing was your idea...

BEEEP

Wes. It's Hobbie. For kriff's sake, how would I _possibly_ know the combination to Tainer's locker? I've barely even met the man! And why would you want to get into someone else's locker anyway?!

BEEEP

Lieutenant Janson, this is General Crespin. As someone who is in a position of responsibility, namely the Executive Officer of a starfighter squadron, you should know better than to encourage your subordinates to behave so irresponsibly as to engage in pursuits such as laser tag in a public area such as a mess hall. The claim for damages will be sent to your office and a duplicate will go to your commanding officer. Please see that this claim is paid, in full, before the end of the week.

BEEEP

Lieutenant, Tainer here. Please put those bombs back in my locker? Preferably unused.

BEEEP

Lieutenant Janson. Cubber Daine here. I had an unopened can of solvent in my toolkit and now I don't. Flight Officer Loran says you have it. I'd like it back, please.

BEEEP

Wes, it's Tycho. Again. Explosions in the Wraith Squadron bay are your affair, but none of the Wraiths' X-wings share a hangar with the Rogues, and unexplained explosions around the Rogues' hangar are my affair. I want an explanation.

BEEEP

Wes, Hobbie again... One can of solvent is not going to get all that paint off Wedge's X-wing. Just so you know. And don't forget about the scorch-mark in the decking. He's going to kill you, you know.

BEEEP

Janson. It's Commander Antilles. You better have picked a really kriffing _good_ hiding place because when I get hold of you...!


End file.
